WTF

Web 2.0 – The Management-Speak

| Richard

Over a sandwich this lunchtime, I started reading an article in the February 2008 edition of “Project” magazine about using Web 2.0 technology to aid communication within a project team.

But I must admit to a true “laugh out loud” moment when I read the final paragraph:

“It is by leveraging Web 2.0 technologies to facilitate excellent collaboration, the dissemination of the common vision, streamlining of workflow and delivery of rapid authorisation processes, that organisations can create the highly effective working environment required to keep a project focused on the corporate objective.”

Pardon?

Management-speak at its best!

39 Matches a Year

| Richard

Oh those poor dears! It seems that the plan for Premier League teams to play an additional football match abroad every year is meeting with opposition as it might lead to player burn-out, or more injuries, etc.

Oh dear! Yes, how dare anyone suggest that those poor, down-trodden, underpaid loves should play 39 football matches in one year! What with that and all that training they do, there’d be no time for them to party and go shopping or anything.

I am so glad I only work 250+ full days a year instead…

Ryanair in Schoolie Shocker

| Richard

Ryanair Schoolie AdSo Ryanair have been criticised by the ASA for their amazingly tacky advert featuring a model dressed as a schoolgirl: the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) said the “irresponsible” image appeared to link teenage girls with sexually provocative behaviour.

Now personally, I have reservations about people who find images of women dressed as schoolgirls sexy, but that’s probably because I have a daughter of school age.

Needless to say Ryanair knew exactly what they were doing as they obviously think there’s no such thing as bad publicity:

“The ASA becomes more Monty Pythonesque by the day.  This latest ruling shows how absurd and out of touch this quango really is.  It is remarkable that a picture of a fully clothed model is now claimed to cause “serious or widespread offence”, when many of the UK’s leading daily newspaper regularly run pictures of topless or partially dressed females without causing any serious or widespread offence…”

Maybe because they’re not regularly dressed as schoolgirls to broaden Ryanair’s appeal to the frequent paedo flyer…

2007 Political Soundbite of the Year

| Richard

And the award goes to … Tony McNulty, Home Office Minister:

“Events such as this highlight the dangers that our police officers face every day when protecting the public.”

Events such as what? Well apparently a 48-year old policeman has collapsed whilst trying to arrest a man at a “domestic”. A post-mortem will be carried out to find the cause of death. So it could just be that the poor bloke had a heart attack due to the exertion or stress of the job. In which case, don’t the public need protecting from officers who might drop down dead whilst driving a car in a pursuit?

What dangers is McNulty referring to? Poor health screening? Too many pies blatantly on sale?

Best Spam Ever!

| Richard

An absolute corker this morning, with the subject “Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II”:

Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II
Queen of England
Buckingham Palace
London SW1A 1AA, England.
********************************

ATTN: Winner

Your Ticket number: 56475600545/012 with Serial number 5368/05 drew
the Lucky number: 86.

On behalf of the Queen of England, we are pleased to notify you
that your email has won in the Annual Christmas free Internet Lotto
Sweepstakes and as a result you have been granted the lump sum payout of
£500,000 GBP which is equivalent to $917,956.00 USD.

To file for your prize, please fill and submit the claims processing
form to:

*********************************
Mr. Perkins Oliver
Email: perkinsoliver@yahoo.co.uk
Telephone: +44 702 402 4689
Fax: +44 707 502 4610
**********************************
CLAIMS PROCESSING FORM:
1 Full Names:
2 Address:
3 Age:
4 Sex:
5 Marital Status:
6 Occupation:
7 Phone numbers:
8 Country:
9 Email:

We advice you to contact your claims officer as detailed above
immediately to avoid Claims deadline.

Congratulations,
Mrs. Sarah Wilfred for
Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II
Queen of England.

So Betty’s running a sweepstakes now, is she? Excellent. And handy to tell me where she’s Queen as well, just in case I’m not sure. And she’s making 50p per minute on accepting any incoming calls and faxes! Anyone would think this might be a scam 🙂

Fundy Mentalists

| Richard

So Sudanese protesters are calling for British teacher Gillian Gibbons to be shot after children in her class named a teddy bear Muhammad.

A tad extreme?

Tell you what, as the ‘offence’ was one of insulting religion, I think they should protest for the execution of Muhammad Ali and for that matter, anyone else called Muhammad.

And whilst they’re at it, it’s probably best for equality to call for the execution of anyone – mainly of Latin American origins, probably – called Jesus…

A Personal Apology From HMR&C

| Richard

So Her Majesty’s Revenue & Customs have confirmed that our details were amongst those they managed to lose.

Their Acting Chairman, Dave Hartnett, wrote us “a personal apology”. Well, OK, he didn’t actually sign it. And he didn’t even bother stamping a signature on it. {sigh}

So what did it actually say?

“The copy of the data is likely to still be on Government property. The police are now conducting a search. There is no evidence that it is in the possession of anyone else.”

Well considering it was supposed to have gone from an office in Newcastle to an office somewhere else, they should have been able to find them by now, surely, if they are likely to still be on Governemet property? And of course there’s no evidence that it isn’t in the possession of anyone else, is there?

So what data is it they’ve managed to shove on a CD and lose? Nothing important, I expect.

“This data includes your and your children’s names and dates of birth, your address, your National Insurance number and, where relevant, the details of the bank or building society account…”

So … most of the necessary details for identity fraud.

Ah well, we can take comfort from his assuances that:

“all efforts are being made to ensure that such a loss can never happen again.”

What? Like maybe sending two CDs’ worth of data by e-mail rather than putting it onto CDs and shoving it in the post? And as I pointed out in my earlier post on this subject, it’s not the first time these idiots have messed up.

Am I confident in their abilities? Am I fuck! Same bunch of civil servants with cast-iron, index-linked pensions and no responsibility…